Honestly…

If I’m being honest, it’s a challenge to be honest. With myself, firstly. Honesty in thought, in action, in practice. Honesty in private. How to be honest? How to know one is doing the honest thing at any given moment? Honest in relation to whom? I pick up behaviors from others and emulate them in my being. Certain behaviors are commendable, and those get repeated and selected through breeding and generation. But even those behaviors feel trite, dull. As if I’m going through the motions of being a good person socially. 

The honesty I look for I will go on looking for. As it comes in short bursts of lucid ecstasy — the knowing, within, that in that moment one is being truly honest, meaning transparent, aware of the limitations in language and the translation into one’s awareness, and the realization that one is capable of having that realization, and standing above all that to observe one’s dilemma and still have a good laugh. 

I go on searching, practicing patience, learning to better handle my own being in times of monotony, in times of un-inspiration. Getting through the mud to reach the other side. Other side of what? I exist, before all else. Only then do I register the impressions of my senses and the computing intelligence of mind. Only then do I see the side I’m on, and imagine the other side. How far I have come! To know that I am no further from myself than when I started searching, confused by the sounds in the words I use to get around, to see the other side. 

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