truth be told all i want is to want the right thing, i think, yet in finding that thing to be elusive i see that thing is not what i really want at all. time and again the traps appear as rewards, another tail to chase… and yet, what i really want, possibly, turns out to be what i crave to have, not as an accomplishment or physical objcct it turns out, but as a feeling, or rather, a state of being, of whole-ness, of unity to something i can only sense in feeling. My body, funnily enough, stores the sensation i desire, whether i ‘go out’ and try achieve something to satiate that feeling. the chemicals i desire exist within me. and i dont have to go out, finally, to chase or obtain, since, in theory, anything out there is really just an image, a movie, played out, that eventually produces the same state within me, whether i was ‘there’ or not. of course, being ‘there’ produces a rather solid, rather real sensation that the thing actually did happen. but what of our brains not knowing the difference between reality and a movie played through a screen, or a thought in the brain? the brain still reacts, the body still reacts, the chemicals still get sent out, and all goes on in the universe.
what i know today will not necessarily serve me tomorrow. the thing with knowledge is that it morphs, adapts, reacts to its environment. in other words, it is alive, and if i choose to live i must accept the realities of a living organism.